Ok, I've realized that I've been accidentally taking a blog-break this past week, and it's because for the past two weeks I have been ultra-stressed, to the point of feeling needles and pins on my ultra-tense skin. My heart is racing for no apparent reason, and I'm a frazzled ball of raw nerve.
I'm not always good at recognizing the underlying causes of my emotional states. I'm usually pretty ok at addressing them once I recognize them, but jeez louise, it's often a major archaeological excavation to tease out the underlying cause from the cluster*$ of my overwhelmedness.
The thing that makes me teeter on the brink of insanity the fastest is when my son is in trouble. He's had what I'd like to euphemistically refer to as a Growth Week for the past... three weeks, I think. ;) He's been copying the behaviors of the more-autistic kids, been seeking comfort a lot more, and also being disobedient and disrespectful. No health issues that we can identify-- he often does stuff like that before he gets sick. Though recently we realized he's having subtle allergy symptoms (skin rash, watery itchy eyes) rather than the usual sneezing, and administering children's Claritin over the past few days has REALLY seemed to turn his mood around. He, like me, is a puzzle who has a hard time identifying the sources of his moods and discomforts. Parenting is detective work, and parenting a kid with Asperger's doubly so. Triply so if you also happen to be an Aspie yourself.
Anyway, the reason all this has caused my nerves to hit PANIC is that B's first appointment with a developmental pediatrician is coming up in ONE WEEK, and they sent us a HUGE SHEAF of paperwork to fill out, and I have been PARALYZED by all those forms. Absolutely petrified. Because they ask me all these questions about my child and what if I answer them wrong or address the wrong point as I tend to focus on inconsequentials and miss the big issues half the time and it's MY BABY'S WELFARE THAT IS AT STAKE HERE AND WHAT IF I SCREW UP HIS LIFE, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!
And people ask me if I'm going to have more than one child. Pff! I would spontaneously combust if I had to worry about TWO!
The way I finally figured out what's wrong with me is that we got an appointment reminder phone call last night, and I had a panic attack so badly I just went into complete denial mode and didn't even tell my husband we got the call (Hi, honey! :)). He was seeing to the bathing of our child at the time and didn't hear the phone.
The other stupid thing is that while I've been avoiding the doctor paperwork, I've also been avoiding the contract paperwork for an art project I ALREADY DID, and ALL I HAVE TO DO is sign the contract, mail it, and get paid! BUT OMG LOOKING AT PAPERWORK MIGHT MEAN THE PEDIATRICIAN FORMS WILL EAT ME, ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So all the past weeks I didn't talk about it even when my husband asked if there was anything he could do to help me. All last night I didn't talk about it. All this morning I didn't even talk about it, even though the subject of my signing forms and getting paid so we can pay our gas bill came up. But now I'm quietly sitting at home with a brand-new 1000-piece puzzle to soothe my nerves, and finally I can sort through my own head, and finally I can talk about it.
It's a nice quiet street in an English village, this puzzle. I like puzzles of English villages and English country farmhouses with nice gardens out in front. I have come to realize I'm literally reconstructing my shattered mental abilities when I do those.
And this afternoon I go to my son's class Valentine's Day party and do a crafts project with the kids (the impending nature of which is likewise not helping my nerves). But all is in readiness. I've had a nice walk, a healthy breakfast. Now all I have to do is sip my coffee, and work my puzzle until it's time to go.
And maybe, with Wonderful Husband's help, I'll finally attack that damn paperwork.
Memorial Day redux
11 months ago